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09 August elmoThereis a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the TickleMe Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The TickleMe Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at thePersonnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the wholeline is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountainsof Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles. BOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!you find out interesting things when you have sons, like
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department inAustin , TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid. Jim and EdnaJim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his belt in the bathroom right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?" Durex vacancyA fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex. The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery And offers him the job. "What will the role entail exactly?" Asks the interviewee. "Well", says the foreman, "You have to check 1 in a hundred", And proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the Production line, stretches it, holds it up to the Lights, Then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over. She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over. The foreman gives her a good rogering, after he's finished he removes the Prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes. "Easy as that", he says. "When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck. "Monday, 8:00 sharp!" Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside The Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30. Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambos, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort). He picks up the 101st, stretches it and holds it up to the light to check For holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over. Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously Masturbate him Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary Who says...? "Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand" 26 July simple home remedies1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. 3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. 6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. Remember: * Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. * Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom. * If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan. Nothing to declareA lady was on a plane, arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest. She asked him, " Excuse me Father, could I ask you a favor ? " The priest replied, " Of course my child. What can I do for you ? " I have a small problem and wonder whether you could help. I bought myself a new sophisticated women's hair remover gadget, for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the customs duty declaration limits. As I do not have enough money to pay duty, I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock ? " The priest replied, " Of course I could, my child. But, you must realize that being a priest, I can not lie ! " The lady said, " You have such an honest face Father. I am sure they will not ask you any questions " So, she gave him the ' Hair remover ' gadget, which the priest put under his cassock. The aircraft arrived at its destination. The priest presented himself to one of the customs officers. He asked the priest, " Father, do you have anything to declare ? " The priest replied truthfully, " Son . . . . from the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare " Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, " And from the sash down father, what do you have ?" Again the priest replied truthfully, " Son . . . . I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but . . . . which has never been used !" Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, " Go ahead Father. Next person please . .. . . . !!! " They grow them big in texasRandy , the Texan from Lubbock , went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city"outfit.
He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes ma'am. Ya' see, I'm from Texas and want to buy a complete city outfit." Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?" "Well, ma'am, how about a suit?" "Yes, sir. What size?" "Size 53 tall, ma'am." "Wow, that's really big." "Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas." "What's next?" she asked. He replied, "How about some shoes?" "What size?" "Size 15 double E." "Wow, that's really big! "Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas." "What's next?" "Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt." "Yes, sir. What size?" "Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied. "Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas." "Will there be anything else?" she asked. "Yes, ma'am. I 'spect I'll need a hat." "Yes, sir. What size? and style?" "Eight and five-eighths. Stetson." "Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas." She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?" "No ma'am, I reckon that will be all." As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"
"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the! answer is four inches."
Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!" Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied.........................! (You're going to love this one!) (You'll be using this line.......)
"From the floor ma'am.................From the floor 21 July The Value of a DrinkWARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion
that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in
dancing like a retard. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the
Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are
killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." the thingy...There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 8 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over except his "thingie."
So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried himself in the sand, except for his "thingie," which he left sticking up.
Two older ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a
cane. Upon seeing the "thingie" sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world." The other lady asked what she meant. She said, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I begged for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat dear dad....A father entered his daughter's bedroom and saw a letter on the bed. With the worst premonition, he read it with trembling hands Dear Mum and Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling You that I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is So nice. Especially with all his piercing, scars, tattoos, and his big Motorcycle. But it's not only that, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we Will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many More children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it For us and his friends. They're the one's providing us with all the Cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime, we'll pray for Science to find the AIDS cure, so Ahmed gets better. He deserves it. Don't worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that His friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement. Apparently I can Earn £50 a scene. I get a £50 bonus if there are more than three men in The scene and an extra £100 if they use the horse. Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 15 years old, I know how to take care of Myself. Someday I'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren. Your loving daughter, Aimee PS: Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at a neighbour's house. I Just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than ENGLAND GETTING BEAT ON F*CKING PENALTIES AGAIN 13 July Brian the HenBrian came home from the pub late one Friday evening, stinkin' drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "...and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter". Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away". St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. This isn't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, ".....don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". Never" replies Brian. Well just relax and let it happen" And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting.......... "Brian, wake up you drunken b *stard, you're shi*ting the bed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Two ladies talking in heaven1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead,I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive. 05 July New VirusThere is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest bar. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Eliminator-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. RabbitA man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says.. (Are you ready for this?) (Are you sure?) (This is bad!) (It's definitely a Blonde Joke!) (You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....) (You know you're gonna be sorry) (Last chance) (OK, here it is) It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave." World Cup FlagsWith England having been knocked out the World Cup, what happens to all the flags that were sold? Here are some peoples ideas. (I love the first one)
1. Use them for bandages for the injuries on all the poor little Portugese who keep falling over on the pitch.
2. What? They don't have the facility to fly at half-mast? That was a trifle short-sighted.
3. 64 St. Georges flags laid out in an 8x8 square will form a grid of 9x9 white squares. Perfect for a giant Sudoku.
4. Cut it into small square sheets, and keep them handy in your bathroom in case you run out of loo paper.
5. Rip them up and do that "funky" hankie waving dance where you skip around in circles whilst thinking fondly of some guy called Morris.
Alternatively you could give them to Gordon Brown so he can decorate his new flat and try and convince himself he is English after all. 01 July WIFE VS. HUSBANDA couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." W O R D S A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" CREATION A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. 15 June genieA man walked into a bar with a paper bag. He sat down and placed the bag on the counter. The bartender asked what's in the bag. The man reached into the bag and pulled out a little man about one foot high and set him on the counter. He reached back into the bag and pulled out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reached into the bag once again and pulled out a tiny piano bench, which he placed in front of the piano.
The little man sat down at the piano and started playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! "Where on earth did you get that?" said the bartender. The man responded by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulled out a magic lamp. He handed it to the bartender and said: "Here. Rub it." So the bartender rubbed the lamp and suddenly there 's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish."
The bartender got real excited.Without hesitating, he said, "I want a million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walked into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar was filled with ducks and they kept coming! The bartender turned to the man and said, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks." "Tell me about it!!" said the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist? 14 June London Tube train announcementsA list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers
have made to their passengers... 1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your
service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction." 2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller
suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any." 3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good
news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination." 4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there
is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'." 5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can
see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that". 6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage
these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me." 7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the
driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided." 8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on
then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...." 9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this
with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions." 10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors
means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors." 11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck
in the door." 12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get
on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?" 13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..)
"Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!" 14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage." sobbin wife
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the chemist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the 'phone. I had to keep on ringing before he would even answer the phone." Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the Chemist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I had locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook. "Then I had to break a roll of tenpence pieces against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the 'phone was still ringing, ringing and ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing - with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was to tell her. |
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