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August 09 elmoThereis a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the TickleMe Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The TickleMe Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at thePersonnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the wholeline is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountainsof Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles. BOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!you find out interesting things when you have sons, like
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department inAustin , TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid. Jim and EdnaJim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his belt in the bathroom right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?" Durex vacancyA fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex. The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery And offers him the job. "What will the role entail exactly?" Asks the interviewee. "Well", says the foreman, "You have to check 1 in a hundred", And proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the Production line, stretches it, holds it up to the Lights, Then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over. She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over. The foreman gives her a good rogering, after he's finished he removes the Prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes. "Easy as that", he says. "When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck. "Monday, 8:00 sharp!" Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside The Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30. Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambos, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort). He picks up the 101st, stretches it and holds it up to the light to check For holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over. Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously Masturbate him Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary Who says...? "Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand" July 26 simple home remedies1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. 3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. 6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. Remember: * Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. * Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom. * If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan. Nothing to declareA lady was on a plane, arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest. She asked him, " Excuse me Father, could I ask you a favor ? " The priest replied, " Of course my child. What can I do for you ? " I have a small problem and wonder whether you could help. I bought myself a new sophisticated women's hair remover gadget, for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the customs duty declaration limits. As I do not have enough money to pay duty, I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock ? " The priest replied, " Of course I could, my child. But, you must realize that being a priest, I can not lie ! " The lady said, " You have such an honest face Father. I am sure they will not ask you any questions " So, she gave him the ' Hair remover ' gadget, which the priest put under his cassock. The aircraft arrived at its destination. The priest presented himself to one of the customs officers. He asked the priest, " Father, do you have anything to declare ? " The priest replied truthfully, " Son . . . . from the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare " Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, " And from the sash down father, what do you have ?" Again the priest replied truthfully, " Son . . . . I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but . . . . which has never been used !" Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, " Go ahead Father. Next person please . .. . . . !!! " They grow them big in texasRandy , the Texan from Lubbock , went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city"outfit.
He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes ma'am. Ya' see, I'm from Texas and want to buy a complete city outfit." Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?" "Well, ma'am, how about a suit?" "Yes, sir. What size?" "Size 53 tall, ma'am." "Wow, that's really big." "Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas." "What's next?" she asked. He replied, "How about some shoes?" "What size?" "Size 15 double E." "Wow, that's really big! "Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas." "What's next?" "Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt." "Yes, sir. What size?" "Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied. "Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas." "Will there be anything else?" she asked. "Yes, ma'am. I 'spect I'll need a hat." "Yes, sir. What size? and style?" "Eight and five-eighths. Stetson." "Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas." She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?" "No ma'am, I reckon that will be all." As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"
"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the! answer is four inches."
Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!" Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied.........................! (You're going to love this one!) (You'll be using this line.......)
"From the floor ma'am.................From the floor July 21 The Value of a DrinkWARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion
that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in
dancing like a retard. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the
Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are
killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." the thingy...There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 8 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over except his "thingie."
So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried himself in the sand, except for his "thingie," which he left sticking up.
Two older ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a
cane. Upon seeing the "thingie" sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world." The other lady asked what she meant. She said, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I begged for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat dear dad....A father entered his daughter's bedroom and saw a letter on the bed. With the worst premonition, he read it with trembling hands Dear Mum and Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling You that I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is So nice. Especially with all his piercing, scars, tattoos, and his big Motorcycle. But it's not only that, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we Will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many More children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it For us and his friends. They're the one's providing us with all the Cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime, we'll pray for Science to find the AIDS cure, so Ahmed gets better. He deserves it. Don't worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that His friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement. Apparently I can Earn £50 a scene. I get a £50 bonus if there are more than three men in The scene and an extra £100 if they use the horse. Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 15 years old, I know how to take care of Myself. Someday I'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren. Your loving daughter, Aimee PS: Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at a neighbour's house. I Just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than ENGLAND GETTING BEAT ON F*CKING PENALTIES AGAIN |
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